Sin, Die in Me!

There are days when I feel like my heart is an egg broken open inside of me - with every word and thought like a fork prodding at the spherical yoke until its membranous covering is broken and it drips down to spread thin and cover over all my organs.

Mynew neighbor Bev said a couple nights ago, "You know, those eggs looks so small and compact until you break them open - and then if they fall on the kitchen floor, you just wouldn't believe how much space they cover! It's like you never really can clean them all the way up."

She's an eccentric lady in her 80's with gray hair and shining eyes who lives in an old house behind a jungle of a front yard. We crossed paths on a hot afternoon; her arms were laden with ripe summer squash that she was carrying down from her garden patch up the street. She calls herself a "tenant farmer" for a man with a big yard up the street - he lets her garden in his yard, she drops off some succulent veggies on his front porch, and they consider it an even exchange. But neither has any idea how much I get out of their trade - watching the bright eyed, smiling woman waltz down the street.

I was carrying a box into the house, going to let her pass by on the narrow sidewalk, and she laughed and said, "You go head . . . I've got all afternoon! I've just got these little squash!"

A few nights later, at a neighborhood block party, she shared with me all about her 10 year back-packing trek through Europe and Asia - she never had a family, because she loved adventure too much. She's happy now, and HILARIOUS . . . but I must admit . . .

There's a black cloud of fear that rises inside of me and chokes at the back of my throat every time I hear a story like that . . . no family? No kids and grand-kids to sit at your knees when you're too tired to garden?

I'm a dreamer. Since before I can remember, I was setting up my castles in the sky and trying to build brick staircases high enough to reach them. But it's only been pretty recently that I've really considered the cost.

Ya, there's the comfort and safety of an American life - there's the beauty of Greenlake and the convenience of a car - there's help for anything always a phone call away - there're more strong churches than I can even visit (and of course, struggling ones mixed in as well) - there're regular jobs and routines and flushing toilets and hot showers - grocery stores everywhere, libraries and banks. I really like my house, my bedroom, my space, my house-mates, and my convenient life. The reality is, I would miss those things.

But I think for me, the scariest thing is relationships that erode over time and distance . . . recognizing that in a foreign place, I will be a foreigner - and close friends will be hard to find. And I don't just want close friends - I want a family.

But I consider Jesus' words in Mark:

Jesus said again, 'Children how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than fora rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'

The disciples were even moer amazed, and said to each other, 'Who then can be saved?'

Jesus looked a them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.'

Peter said to Him, 'We have left everything to follow you!'

'I tell you the truth,' Jesus replied, 'no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.'

(Mark 10:24-31)

And in Luke 6:24-26 (the part of the Beatitudes that I tend to not focus on as much):

But woe to you who are rich,
for you have already received your comfort.
Woe to you who are well fed now,
for you will go hungry.
Woe to you who laugh now,
for you will mourn and weep.
Woe to you when all men speak well of you,
for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets.

I remember when I was a young teenager, and the Spirit of God revealed Christ to me in a way that changed me forever. I remember at that time, the Gospel burned like fire in my life - and there was nothing that even came close to its worth or magnificence. I remember when I first made a commitment to Jesus that I would go wherever He sent me - that I wanted my life to be about letting other people know Him. And I remember what motivated me - that I wanted to know Him; I wanted to be with Him; I wanted to depend on Him so deep and to trust Him all the time. I wanted to put myself in a place where I was forced to stay at His feet, because even then I understood the pull of sin in my life.

I feel sad that over time, that love has eroded. Jesus, whatever it takes, I want to be with you. I want to love you, to trust you, to obey you and worship you and honor your lordship in me. I want that more than anything, Jesus. I want you to be my closest companion. I want your gospel to burn like fire in me - to come out of me and give hope to other people. I want to be yours alone, Christ, yours alone. Yours alone. Jesus, I pray that whatever it takes, you would keep me in that place - let NOT sin have its way in me. I want You to be my Lord. Only you.

Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost for His Highest (June 23):
"We look at life through the eyes of reason and say that if a person will control his instincts, and educate himself, he can produce a life that will slowly evolve into the life of God. But as we continue on through life, we find the presence of something which we have not yet taken into account, namely, sin 0 and it upsets all of our thinkign and our plans. Sin has made the foundation of our thinking unpredictable, uncontrollable, and irrational.

"We have to recognice that sin is a fact of life, not just a shortcoming. Sin is blatant mutiny against God, and either sin or God must die in my life. The New Testament brings us right down to this one issue - if sin rules in me, God's life in me will be killed; if God rules in me, sin in me will be killed. There is nothing more fundamental than that. The culmination of sin was the curicifixion of Jesus Christ, and what was true in the history of of God on earth will lso be true in your history and mine - that is, sin will kill the life of God in us."

Jesus, You are my HOPE. I believe in You. I want Your sacrifice to bear fruit in my life. I want Your blood to shoot through my veins - I want to be Your daughter. Grant me the courage, Holy Spirit, to follow Christ. Grant me the courage to be obedient. I love You, God. Amen.