Church

Dear Mrs. Gambill,

I miss you.

(Sometimes, grief over loss pokes out his noxious head at very unexpected times long after I feel pretty settled on a matter. Mrs. Gambill was my mentor in high-school - such a strong and godly woman. I miss her hugs. And her wisdom. I miss her laughter and her stories. I miss feeling like my world was ok after sitting with her and a tall glass of lemonade.

My beautiful house-mate Mari loves to play blue grass music with her banjo and a jolly crew of friends. Tonight, they were making music towards the end of a party held at our house for the soccer team we play on (I'm only recently joining after breaking my leg in Jan). Part of the chorus of one little ditty was, "Mama, rock me like the wind and the rain,/ Mama, rock me like the South Bound Train,/ Mama, rock me."

My tears surprised me. Sometimes, the recognition of rites-of-passage are quite cruel and jolting. I longed, in that moment, to have a mama that would sit me on her lap, gather me up close, and rock me back and forth while humming something soft and peaceful. I longed to have someone who understood life so much better than I do let me just sit and cry against a strong and still shoulder.

And I realized suddenly that I was past that part of life and couldn't really ever go back. Someday (God willing), it'll be my turn to be the one rocking with the soft hum and the strong, still shoulder. But I don't get to be the little girl anymore. I nostalgically hoped that I could be sure, in those future moments as the mama, to be very aware of their sacredness -- and hold my little daughter so soft and tight. I hope even that I can still hold her when she's 25 and feels like she's floating instead of running.)

That's why I missed you tonight, Mrs. Gambill. Because I know you would let me sit next to you with a tall glass of lemonade and just cry.

It's been about a month now since my most recent relationship ended. The man I was in a relationship with previous to that is getting married this weekend. I don't really think I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I am feeling mightily conflicted about a few things that I wish I could just hash out with a really old, godly woman.

Men, marriage, and singleness are some of them - but those all seem to be less pressing matters to me right now.

The most difficult is church. It seems like there are two church camps in my life right now that are in some sort of cold war against one another. I'm so tired of trying to find a healthy church I could pull all my eye-lashes out - I guess I nearly have.

Jesus, I just wish You were here to tell me where to go and what to do. A lot of times I like freedom, but not when I feel broken. I just would love some clear guidance right now. The thing is, I know that Your church is far from perfect - I know that it's marked by Your death and sanctified by Your resurrection. I know that You love Your church steadfastly and You're perfecting her, presenting her as a pure and radiant bride.

So, Jesus, can You just please call me to one specific body and root me there - help me to grow and love and repent and honor You, despite all of the failure of man?

On one side is the open-minded, gray area church that focuses on love more than repentance, believes that the Bible is God's Word within a cultural context, affirms me in my gifts and dreams, and pushes me forward into ministry.

On the other side is the close-minded, black and white church that focuses on repentance more than love, believes the Bible is Spirit inspired quite literally word-for-word even in our culture, lifts high stringent roles of men and women in the church and in marriage, and therefore considers some of my ministerial dreams idols that are the fruit of rebellion against God.

The hard thing is that I know You love both sides of Your church, and both sides are faulty. But my calling looks quite differently in each.

I also know that if You've placed a call on my life, You will fulfill it NO MATTER WHAT. Joseph was in prison and could not escape Your call. In fact, prison was Your Sovereign way of pushing him into his calling. How, then, can I escape Your call because of church?

Lord, just make it clear where You would have me serve. I want to honor You and bless Your people.

And I'm kinda tired of being so intense all the time.

I love You, Jesus. Thanks for all of Your amazing love for me!