When the Sun Gave up Her Throne

I have often wondered where EVERYONE ELSE was on the day that the sun gave up her throne and decided that I would be a better center of our solar system.

December 27th. 11pm. I'm sitting on an over-stuffed and lonely green chair that nervously stands tall like a butler, hand-clasped beneath a lamp whose flood is the only light in this quarter of the house. The chair tries (completely unsuccessfully) to remain obscure, unnoticed - like an awkward-handed, wide-eyed man graying in the corner of a bustling room of women. I feel arrogant sitting on the thing - like I'm intruding on shyness, a disease that I respect with a sense of wonder and awe because I understand it so little. The room is cluttered with 2-year-old girl: dolls and their clutches, a plastic barn and its smiling animals, an old Christmas tree and its dappled branches. I sit in sweats, make-up-less, flat-haired. One bottom molar aches dully from its mounted lair, probably from over-indulgence in sugar. For some reason, each year the days between Christmas and the New Year seem shadow-casted, pseudo-houred, half-lifed.

I've spent almost a week now with my family. I feel strange - like a plant temporarily removed from its pot. Shouldn't I feel the most potted when I'm with my family?

I love my family - the word "family" itself gains deeper meaning and higher value with each passing year. I enjoy spending time with them, and I miss the close-knit knowing one another of what it was to be a child. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful family. And yet, it's very hard for me to spend time with my family. This week has been difficult. A lot of internal wrestling. The things that I dislike about myself the most seem constantly to protrude when I'm around these others, and I feel myself constantly wanting to escape and to hide.

Here are the soft words:
I'm analytical. I'm sensitive. I'm passionate. I'm intense.

Clip off the soft ends, and these are the traits that protrude:
I over-think everything, and I get stuck in thought-circles that lead to the Walls of Self-Protection.
I take things too personally, I'm hyper-sensitive, and I get hurt or offended way too easily, and I have a SUPER hard time getting over ANYTHING without talking it through, which often is not appropriate or desirable to other people.
I'm emotional and hold the things I care about too close to my heart, causing me to be volatile and often difficult to communicate with.
I'm serious and like to have deep conversations. I'm not good at small talk or being funny except on rare occasions like when I'm disgusting myself by flirting with people that I'm usually not interested in.
I'm extremely selfish.

This is the thing that I keep coming back to: if I could just seriously quit being selfish, my life would be so much BETTER and EASIER and SO WOULD EVERYONE ELSE'S WHO IS CLOSE TO ME! But that is really hard. I'm always concerned with myself: What people think about me, what people offer me, what people will give to me/should give to me/have given to me/have not given to me. How other people can understand me better, treat me better, love me better, serve me better.

AHHHH!!! Who can rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord! Jesus, wow! You are stinking CRAZY for still loving me. But this is the thing, can you please change me? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I've tried everything, and it just doesn't work.

I want to die to myself SO stinking bad. I really really really do. I've had enough of this garbage. I'm tired of living for myself. Again. Today. And if You could, will You allow this prayer to count for tomorrow too, because I've only got a half an hour left in this day and everyone else around me is already asleep, so if you make me unselfish now NO ONE WILL EVEN NOTICE OR BENEFIT. (Or think good thoughts about me and offer me praise.)

Also, Almighty God of the entire Universe . . . I choose to trust that You made me the way You did for a reason. And I'm glad. But also, I screw up the personality that You've given me a lot. Right now, the word "sanctification" tastes WORSE than hominy in my mouth and I'm pretty much done with the idea of it. Please make me perfect, because I'm sick of dealing with my own shit. And I'm pretty sure everyone else is too. And I mostly want their worship.

OK, I see now. You are the One who is worthy of worship. Not me. Repentance is good - because it teaches me that You are God and I am not, and that You are worthy of worship and I am not. No one will ever love me perfectly - or even well - apart from the grace of Jesus, because I'm difficult to love and because of my own choices I'm not worthy of love. At all. Which only makes You all the greater for ALWAYS LOVING ME.

Lord, I've tried so hard to become unselfish by serving other people. I can serve at church - I can serve at work - I can serve at prison or any other non-profit . . . but man, when it comes to serving my family and the people close to me, I really REALLY do a poor job.

Can You please change my heart and help me? I just know I can't change my heart. I can't change the roots at all. Thanks for unpotting me. And thanks for being my covering - not leaving me exposed. Lord, prune me. Pull up the unfruitful branches, make room for more growth and more change. Give me a year, Jesus, where I can stop dreaming and trying so hard to move forward - and just sit tight and let you teach me how to LOVE my family and the people that are the closest to me.

And Lord, please, for the sake of EVERYONE AROUND ME, please help me to stop being such a flirt and thinking about men and marriage ALL THE TIME. It's embarrassing, hurtful, selfish, covetous and ultimately shows that I don't trust You at all. I want to be a one-man woman :) (even though I think that's kinda a dorky phrase), and I want to not covet attention from ANY man except for the one that pursues me the way Jesus pursues His church.

If I could sum this all up, Jesus, this is my prayer: teach me to fear Your name, to love my family, and to die to myself. (If you really want me to be analytical, passionate, intense, and sensitive, whatever - just please put it under the cross. I CAN'T DO IT ON MY OWN!!)

Thanks, Jesus. Amen!