Money makes it hard to save the world.

Father, tonight I feel really nervous about finances.

I make bad decisions sometimes and I do stupid things – I try to keep my budget and sometimes I don’t do that great, and then unexpected expenses throw themselves in my path, like hospital bills and car accidents.

Money makes it hard to save the world.

I don’t want to just ask You to provide for me tonight or get me out of tough breaks, even though I know You can do that. I want to make a declaration to You – that I TRUST You: that I trust Your character, that I trust Your Word, and that I trust Your call on my life.
I want to proclaim tonight Your faithfulness over my situation – even over my stupidity. I want to say tonight I that I believe You when You promise that I am of greater worth than the sparrows. I know that Your eye is on this sparrow, because I’ve experienced that in my life so deep:

I should have died in that car last summer, but I’m alive.

I deserve to pay for my sins and my mistakes, but You chose to set me free and give me life.

Who am I to second guess whether You are perfect in Your care for me, in Your protection of me, in Your goodness to me, in Your deliverance of me? You are Perfect.

I have seen Your provide for me relentlessly – in so many crazy and unbelievable, undeniable and all-sufficient ways. I have seen You meet me in my deepest brokenness and pull me out of the pit of death. I have seen You meet my friends when I thought it was impossible for their hearts to be softened. I have seen You manifest Yourself in so many ways and at so many times that to disbelieve would be more than just wrong – it would be foolish, ludicrous.

I trust so deep that You see me. Not only that You see me, but that You have predestined me for glory – and that You also have seen the pain that I would walk through before I even tread those paths. I know You have known my hurts before I’ve spoken them to You – because You have prepared me and spoken to me in advance numerous times. I haven’t figured out Your Sovereignty; I don’t know whether You ordain suffering or You just allow it. Either way, I know You know what’s coming before I can see it – I know You’re faithful through it – I know You build in me the things of Your Kingdom as I overcome.

And I trust, Jesus, that You are ALWAYS triumphant in my life. Always.

You have never abandoned me. Never. You have never turned Your face from me – even when I have found myself unable to throw myself on You. You have never been too busy for me; You have never said I wasn’t good enough or important enough. You have never rejected me because I needed to be punished for my wrong choices. It’s funny that sometimes I fear You will do that – I know Your character.

I love that You are relentless in showing up in my life. I love the way You teach me to pray, Holy Spirit, and then You answer those prayers. I love the way You heal me in hurts that I deny. I love the way that You’re willing to take the long and hard way . . . and be patient with me . . . when I would rather rush through, because You know I just need to be with You.
I love so much about You, Jesus, that because I know this is who You are in my life, I can also trust that this is who You are in everyone else’s life. Sometimes, I think about kids who suffer all around the world, and my heart doesn’t know how to hold that pain. I don’t know why it feels so close to me sometimes.

And I want to go to them so bad – to hold them and just to say, “I love you. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. I’m not sure what to do, but I’m not gonna leave.” And sometimes, I feel so frustrated – because it’s the choices I make that keep me from those kids.
But then I remember Your character: that You love them more than I do. That You are perfect in Your provision and in Your timing. That if You wanted me to go tomorrow, You would make a way. You would make a way. You would make a way. You would send me a check in the mail that covers all the debt I have – You would speak to me about a place, You would provide the contacts, You would equip me, You would send me out.

But I didn’t get that check in the mail today, Jesus – so I’m going to trust that where I’m at is exactly where You want me to be for today. And I’m going to love relentlessly – or as relentlessly as I can. And when I get hurt so bad, I’m not gonna run away. I’m going to face it – I’m going to walk through the fire, and I’m going to learn to love deeper. Thank You that You won’t send me out without finishing Your preparation in me. Thank You that You won’t let me go until I’m seasoned. Thank You that You are dealing with my heart in things that I wouldn’t face if You didn’t force me to. Thank You that You care about my freedom more than I do.
Thank You that You would give me a car payment that I feel bound to only to keep me where You need me to be so that You can finish Your work in me. Thank You that You will place in my path the relationships that You want for me right now, and You will teach me to love and to be loved deeper and more authentically. Thank You that You will protect me from all things and all people that could prevent me from walking out Your call on my life.

Thank You that this faith walk is not about me fulfilling my dreams – it’s about me being obedient to a God who has a specific purpose for my life that I am mostly unaware of. Thank You that You are the contentment of my heart – that You are my resting place and my soul food. Thank You that You are the one who satisfies every one of my needs – that You are the fulfillment of loneliness and the peace in busyness. Thank You that You speak, and the more I walk with You the more I come to recognize Your voice and KNOW that I can trust You, because You are always right.

Thank You that it’s not about me saving the world – it’s about me worshipping Jesus, whose Kingdom is near. Thank You that You have saved the world – and that You are not far off. Thank You for my students, for my classes, for my neighbors, for all the people in my life . . .
Thank You that You spoke to me about Greece and are now sending me there when I didn’t believe You and thought it would be impossible for me to go. Thank You that You have also spoken to me about my housing situation, my car situation, and my job situation – and I can trust You to work every one of those things out.

Thank You that You care about my worries, but that they don’t worry You. Thank You for not being angered or threatened by those things, because You are who You are and You love me.
I am Yours. There is no other for me but You. Sometimes I get scared because of my own unfaithfulness – I get scared I’ll fall away from You or forget You or turn my back or just do my own things. But look at who You are. Look, wow! I see in my life the truth of what You have spoken – that You will always call me back. That You have called me by name and I am Yours – that no one can take me from Your hand. I know it’s true, Jesus . . . and I know that even if that means You have to carry me through 437 car accidents just to bring me back to Your Throne room and give me enough debt to keep me trusting You, that You’d do it.

And I rejoice in that. But I also just want to acknowledge that hopefully I can go without all the rest of the car accidents for the sake of other drivers :).
I am Yours, Jesus, and I trust You.

Holy Sonnet 14 (John Donne)

“Batter my heart, three-personed God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.”