I Believe in Sin

One thing I know for sure: God's love is BIG enough to shatter even the hardest heart.
I know that to be true - because I own that black heart.

Praise the Lord.
That is enough reason to praise Him forever.

I've been going through this class at my church - it's called Redemption Group. It's basically a small group (7-8) people, single sex, in which the people involved walk through the deep aspects of sin, abuse, brokenness, and bondage from their past and apply God's redemptive promises to their past, present, and future.

Before signing up, I'd heard from several people that it wrecks those who sign up. I signed up needing to be wrecked, but not really knowing how that would happen, what that would look like, or even if I really believed that it could happen in my life. (I believed, rather, that my heart was hard beyond God's capacity to soften it.)

I was wrong. And now I'm wrecked. (IN THE BEST WAY THAT I'VE BEEN WRECKED -- probably ever.)

I came in feeling like my heart had been hardened towards God -- feeling like I was struggling to believe His truth, His character, His Word. Feeling like I had layer upon layer of anger and distrust and unforgiveness, but I didn't really know what to do with any of it. And I didn't trust that He did either.

But I was wrong. He flooded my heart - even when I proclaimed myself His enemy! I sat in my sin. Not only did I sit in my sin, I DEFENDED it. I defended all of my reasons for distrusting, withholding, even hating those who had hurt me -- and therefore, others who had not hurt me -- and ultimately, God Himself.

I couldn't even see my sin, though. I felt blinded in hardness -- bitter and cold, dead on the inside. But I didn't see the role that I played in that.

Thank You, Jesus, for offering me community that says things that I don't even want to hear -- that I'm often not even willing to hear -- to RESCUE me from death. Thank You, Jesus, for giving me Your Spirit to break through the hardness inside of me and sweetly draw me to repentance. Thank You, Jesus, for rescuing me from death when, of all people I know, I deserve it the MOST.

This is where I was: I didn't believe that God is who He says He is. I didn't believe that Jesus is Savior and LORD over my life. I didn't believe that redemption is real, transformative, and lasting. All because I didn't believe in SIN. Without SIN, there's no need for repentance - no need for the Cross - no need for God.

I spent my life -- even my childhood -- defending my sin, proclaiming my own righteousness, exulting in my own rebellious heart. That's what satan does!

This is where I am: I REPENT, and I have freedom in knowing that God is NOT AFRAID of my mess -- that He's bigger than my sin and my hard heart! I'm so thankful that Jesus ALONE is my righteousness -- that I have NONE on my own. I'm so thankful that I never have to defend myself, because I stand CONDEMNED by sin. Even more, my SIN stands condemned by JESUS! Wow, look at that Cross! Look at the beauty of what Jesus has done! Look at how GOOD God is for showing me my sin, so that I can repent and turn to Him and FEAR HIS NAME!

Thank You, Jesus, that you are my strength to repent, to surrender, to submit to You -- to forgive because of Your forgiveness, to TRUST because of Your trust, Your strength, Your mercy and perfect, perfect LOVE.

You abide, Jesus. I feel overwhelmed, Jesus - this hardened heart that couldn't even feel Your presence. I am YOURS. I love You, Jesus, and I trust You.

I am but Your handmaiden. By the power of Your sweet Spirit, Lord, may it be to me according to Your Word. Hallelujah.