Tomorrow.

I'm going to keep this one brief - but I need to record this for my own sake. (NEVER MIND - THIS ONE IS NOT BRIEF AT ALL.)

I'm so thankful for the adventure of walking with Jesus . . . and not knowing where that leads (except for all of the many moments when I really just knew where I was going). :)

That said, the pragmatic 90% of me came to Athens for two reasons:

1) New Horizons/Nea Zoi - the opportunity to bridge even closer the two organizations, and perhaps bring tools from each to the other.

2) A Pilgrimmage. I only really came to understand that word a few weeks before coming - a good friend of mine was sharing with me the root meaning of the idea of "pilgrammage," which is to go on a journey with some type of question in mind - most often relating to the Lord - and seek Him for that one particular thing. Generally speaking, the question is somehow associated with mission or purpose.

Particularly now - when I'm really less than six months from graduating with my Master's in International Community Development, and have a bit of practical teaching experience, I feel the pull of the nations beating in my heart again. I say 'again' because it's now been 11 0r 12 years since first I felt moved to bring hope to the poor and oppressed - specifically in communities overseas. There are times when that dream has flown and there are times when it has dwindled . . . and now I finally feel like I'm in the 11th hour - like I can almost taste and see it really happening.

But I don't know if I want it anymore.

I had my first Greek language class today . . . and it was wonderful! I forgot how much I love languages . . . and it's interesting to me that for some r99% eason, they don't seem super difficult for me to pick up - perhaps all of those years of Latin, French, and Spanish paid off after all. That love of language makes me almost feel like to not live overseas would be to sell myself short . . .

And spending time with Emma at Nea Zoi, it's easy to see that all of the missionaries here are so burnt out. Too much work - very little pay - in so many ways, at the end of their ropes. And, so many of these people are here because they're 99% relational and only 1% administrative - organization, funding, and decision-making are burdens to them. But, as I acknowledged before, I feel energized by those things. I feel like I would love to learn how to organize and lead an organization like this . . . and I feel like in the States, there's little room for me to learn the things I could jump into here.

I could use my degree. I could empower other people to be the ones who organize and develop their own communities - in Greece, the culture is not ready to serve its own. Nea Zoi tries so hard to attract volunteers from Athens. In a city of 3 million, it's very difficult to attract any faithful volunteers at all. I could grapple with the practical side of all the theory that's been invested in me for community development . . .

I could pursue the crazy adventures I've always dreamed about . . . and rocket myself forward into trusting Jesus wholeheartedly and open-handed.

But then, there's Seattle.

I can see myself staying rooted for years - teaching at an inner-city school, remaining faithful to LNO and the women I work with there, pouring into a church and a community . . . and that idea feels good. I could still move along to the winds of the Spirit . . . pursue adventure, thrive.

And then there's the side of me that feels like that would never take me out of my box - never give me the opportunity to see what could have happened if . . . And I know I can't stay at New Horizons forever, because I'll hit ceiling in the growth that's happening. I could be a teacher at an inner-city school in Seattle for 30 or 40 years . . . but that doesn't sound like my story (not that it's a bad one). I would love to get deeply involved in and serve at an awesome, healthy, growing church in Seattle - and bring people in who don't know Jesus at all. But as I move about the streets in Athens, I'm reminded of how different this place is. I often hear that Seattle is the most unchurched city in the US. In Athens, Greek Orthodoxy is pretty much the only religion. There are very few Christ followers and even fewer Christ following churches. In fact, most of the Christians who are here immigrated from Turkey - which is ridiculous, since there are so few Turkish believers!

And throughout Eastern Europe, the communist regime has left atheism in its wake - creating cultures where people really don't even have a concept of God as we know Him.

I'm afraid of the loneliness that coming overseas means. And I'm afraid of not having a family. I really think those are my biggest fears. It's not the money or the heat, it's not the language or finding a job or meaingful ministry - it's the fear that I'm giving up community. And that I won't be able to belong again, like I do in Seattle . . .

But in the back of my mind, there's something that resonates . . . whoever gives up sisters and brothers, father and mother to follow Me . . .

And I remember another season of my life when I left behind the world I knew to go to another place, because all I really wanted was to follow Jesus and learn the Bible so I could take Him to other people. I was so afraid of loneliness then, too, and I ended up finding a home in Seattle that was far better than anything I had known before. What happened to that brave little girl?

The thing is, I'm done with short-term missions for myself. I don't want to trounce around the world anymore. I would love to go to South America someday . . . but what I really want is for the Lord to speak to me. I want Him to show me where He wants to put me long-term, and then I want to go there and grow there and worship Him.

I can start small . . . 2-5 years, and then back to Seattle. But the scary thing is, even if I only go for that short of time, my community in Seattle would change entirely in that amount of time.

Can I do it, Jesus?

I'm going to Bulgaria a week from today to visit a friend there . . . and there's a teaching job that would be open for me. And there are lots of women in prostitution without any ministries caring for their needs. And here I am in Athens . . . scared and wondering if there's a future for me here . . .